The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
