he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Randomize
