and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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