Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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