youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize
