My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
