i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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