I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
