She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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