1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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