I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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