I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
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you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fill condoms, not promises.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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