i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
