new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
