I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
