I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
