we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
