There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
