Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
The air was thick with penises
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
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