I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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