Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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