well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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