nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
