Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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