life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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