Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
