It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
