Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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