hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Randomize
