hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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