I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I intend to get homeless drunk
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
