well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
He shit in the fireplace
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
