Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
