Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
he was CRYING into my vagina
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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