eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize