so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
