AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
i think i have two assholes
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
