I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
