i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Randomize
