i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
