I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
