Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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