Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
