Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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