he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
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