I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
