Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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