I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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