maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
