What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
