State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
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