Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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