She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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