I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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