I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
