my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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