you thought your balls were fighting each other...
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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