mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Randomize
