My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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