Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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