Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
