I wannas sexs uuuuu
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
whose parrot is this?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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